Jokes

Here you can talk about anything not bike related, Beer, Cakes, Music, Bands etc
Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:18 am

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Bearcx
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bearcx » Thu Aug 15, 2013 4:53 pm

Good ones in that lot...but, you left out my favourite,

HOW DO YOU GET WHITE SMOKE FROM BLACK TYRES ? :shock:
The brave may not live long, but, the cautious do not live at all.

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:50 pm

Or something white from something brown that's eats something green?
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neale
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Re: Jokes

Post by neale » Wed Aug 21, 2013 8:29 pm

OK, who's brave/stoopid enough to try these out on the Missus? ;^) ( I don't need to tell you they came from someone who's married, for now anyway ;^)

FW: VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink .

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Neale
'85 XV1000 with some mods, getting there
'86 XT600Z, going under the knife ASAP

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Thu Aug 22, 2013 9:18 am

Good thing we are politically correct on this site!
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Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Fri Sep 06, 2013 3:33 pm

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)



Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,

'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?'

Like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said,

'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Bearcx
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Re: Jokes

Post by Bearcx » Fri Feb 07, 2014 4:04 pm

Image

Image
The brave may not live long, but, the cautious do not live at all.

Youngblood
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Re: Jokes

Post by Youngblood » Fri Feb 14, 2014 11:13 pm

THE MEANING BETWEEN COMPLETE AND FINISHED

There is no meaningful difference in any Dictionary between the words Complete and Finished. So they called together some of the best minds to try and find an answer and the winning answer was.........

“If you find the right woman you are complete. If you find the wrong woman you are finished and if the right woman finds you in bed with the wrong woman you are COMPLETLY FINISHED.”

:lol: :twisted: :lol:
Youngblood

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Mon Mar 24, 2014 7:57 pm

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate ..... and ate ... and then .... she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution! She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

Dead fly...

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s**t!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Mon Apr 14, 2014 11:06 pm

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time: weightlifters, wharfies, All Blacks and
Warriors players including Russell Packer, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try
the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK", grabbed the
lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as
the man clenched his little fist around the lemon ..... and six drops fell
into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Australian Tax Department”
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Wed Jun 04, 2014 9:10 pm

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, He doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead People?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Tue Jun 17, 2014 11:33 am

Newcastle University in World First

Despite Federal Government cuts to research grants the N S W University of Newcastle using their super M R I Imager have made a nuclear breakthrough
Researchers have found a new element, the heaviest yet known to Science. It has been named “Governmentium”

The new element Governmentium ( Symbol = Gv ) , has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic weight of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks
.
Since Governmentiun has no electrons, it is inert. However it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less then a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium, becomes Administratium (symbol =Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons..

The Minister for Education Christopher Pain when asked to comment said” Well you see it just goes to show this Government supports our Universities and researchers. Such excellent results prove my point.”
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Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:01 am

"The Tax System Explained in Beer."
Author Unknown

"Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.

They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier."
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Thu Jan 15, 2015 9:14 am

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, (Aussie Style).

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:



Hey Blue,

We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cheers,

Wacka
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Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Thu Feb 26, 2015 10:19 am

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'.


'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake' !!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

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