Jokes

Here you can talk about anything not bike related, Beer, Cakes, Music, Bands etc
Prof
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Post by Prof » Wed May 11, 2011 10:29 am

Mum passed this one on to me...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:12 am

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Thu Aug 25, 2011 8:36 pm

Seeing Ausdog's signature reminded me of this one...

Three passengers boarded a light plane to fly from Pt Ausgusta in SA to Alice Springs... They were an elderly minister returning from a conference, a young boy scout returning from a jamboree and a very well dressed and highly opinionated man who claimed he was considered one of Australia's smartest men... on his way to address a conference to solve All of Australia's problems (though most of us comomners reckon we could do it pretty quickly with no talk and a bit of action!!!)

The aircraft was well into its flight when the pilot came back into the cabin looking very agitated, and saying "We are about to crash. It's every man for himslelf. There are two parachutes left between the three of you. Sort it out amongst yourselves" And with that he opened the door and jumped out.

Australia's smartest man grabbed one yelling, "the world needs me!" and also jumped out.

The minister turned to the young lad and said, "You take the last parachute young man. I've had my life and am ready to meet my maker. You have yours before you."

To which the young scout replied, "No need to sir. We still have two parachutes. Australia's smartest man grabbed my rucksack!"
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

wolfsbane
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Re: Jokes

Post by wolfsbane » Thu Sep 08, 2011 6:11 pm

New Living Will Form



I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the
bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and if I fail to ask for at
least one of the following:



______a Bloodey Mary
______a Southern Comfort on the rocks
______a glass of Fume Blanc
______a Beer
______a Motorcycle Ride
______a Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control,
______a Bowl of ice cream
______My Bike
______Doritos
______Sex


it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed
person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a day.
"Fear not death, for the hour of your doom is set and none may escape it."
Wassa - Goldy

Image

Aussiehard
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aussiehard » Sun Jan 08, 2012 2:13 pm

Getting into Heaven

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." Then I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."






A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. He comes in here every day. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five dollar bill in one hand and two 20 cent pieces in the other. He then calls the boy over and asks, "Want to play a game, son? Which do you want?"

The boy takes the two quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That's the dumbest kid I ever saw. He never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves the barber shop, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store, licking an ice cream cone. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the20 cent pieces instead of the five dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the five dollars, the game's over.”





Harley Heart Surgery

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic said, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, take a look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in. When I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"


Are you tired of those sissy-bum "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy bum.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember...a good friend will help you move. A REALLY good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like wetting your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Sun Jan 08, 2012 6:24 pm

Love the 20c/$5 one!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

tigerbob
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Re: Jokes

Post by tigerbob » Mon Jan 09, 2012 1:14 am

A helicopter recently crashed in an Irish cemetary. So far, they have found 268 bodies but the authorities expect to find more...
'94 Dyna Convertible
'73 TR6 Tiger - chopper under construction
'71 T140v Bonneville

Cromag
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cromag » Tue Jan 10, 2012 9:05 am

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Does not work or play well with others
Loud pipes save lives
"These are not the Droids you're looking for"

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Tue Jan 10, 2012 9:37 am

NOt sure if we've had this one...

Bloke's bike breaks down in the middle of the donga. It's stinking hot and not a vehicle in sight and a hundred miles to the next town.

(We could drag this one on for a while...)

but finally dehydrated, and pretty much at the end of his tether, the biker finally lifts his eyes to the sky and proclaims...

Don't know if you exist, but if you do, I need a hand. If You can send along a ute or something I'll serve you for the rest of my days.

At that moment he sees a cloud of dust and hears an old ute pounding along the road towards him.

He lifts his eyes to heaven again...

Don't worry Mate looks like someone's coming anyway!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

tigerbob
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Christmas OH&S

Post by tigerbob » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:23 pm

Any employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
'94 Dyna Convertible
'73 TR6 Tiger - chopper under construction
'71 T140v Bonneville

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:56 am

Yep. If Captain Phillip and his ships arrived today, they would have had six months of inspections and paper work before they got ashore!

The explorers to the interior such as Sturt, McDoual Stuart, Bourke and Wills etc would have been tied up in red tape before leaving and had government action and court cases to answer when they (thode hwo did) got back.... tholugh when you consider the Gold Rushes in Victoria... the miners were badly harrassed by the authorities with expensive paper work... and finally stood up about it... and were about as disorganised and fractured as freedom protest groups today.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

wolfsbane
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Re: Jokes

Post by wolfsbane » Wed Mar 07, 2012 6:18 pm

Image
"Fear not death, for the hour of your doom is set and none may escape it."
Wassa - Goldy

Image

Prof
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Re: Jokes

Post by Prof » Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:42 pm

Well said!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Aussiehard
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aussiehard » Tue Mar 13, 2012 3:49 pm

I hope I've got enough 'marbles' left at 86 years old to write a letter like this!!

Very appropriate given the attitude of banks today

Elder Banking... PRICELESS!!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. (Password will be communicated to you at a later date to
that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier).
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry (The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service).
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to booze us off.

Bacca

Re: Jokes

Post by Bacca » Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:26 pm

At time I consider sending an account keeping fee when phone bill or whatever is stuffed up, they may think it is a joke but if passed on to a collection agency :D

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