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Prof
Founder, Choppers Australia
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Post by Prof » Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:09 am

Not far off the truth. When I was in hospital in 78, one of the bloke3s in my room was a druggie and kept asking for pethedine etc and was a real pain to the nurses. When he was taken for xrays the sister came around and told the rest of us to watch and see. When he came back, bitching about everything, the sister sweetly offered him a lovely chocolate milk shake.

He drank it and we all waited. Nurses were peering out of their station giggling. Then it happened... Nurse! Nurse!! NURSE!

They didn't come despite his desperate pleas.

Then bang. Diaahoea every where!

They had given him a choc flavoured laxative... a big one!

We killed ourselves laughing.

The nurses reckoned afterwards, it was a hell of a mess to clean up him and his bed, but worth every minute.

He got the message.
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Thu Aug 26, 2010 12:10 am

Image

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Thu Aug 26, 2010 10:34 pm

Man's worst enemy, himself!
AB on Ozrodders wrote:Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Prof
Founder, Choppers Australia
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Post by Prof » Mon Sep 06, 2010 10:56 pm

This was sent through to me today. Having studied at a tertiary institution many years ago it remined me of the arrogance of many of our lecturers. A number of the braver ones in my classes would have liked the opportunity to knock them down a peg or two in the followig fashion. Some of these students did some pretty daring things and got kicked out for their efforts, but the following response I think is a classic...

A British soldier was attending some college courses between assignments.

He had completed two missions in Afghanistan .

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.

He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform.

I'll give you exactly 15 min.

The lecture room fell silent.. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
'Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair,
went up to the professor, and decked him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold.
The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked,
'What in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'
The soldier calmly replied,
'GOD was too busy today protecting British soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot...

So HE sent me.'

The classroom erupted in cheers!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

bendnstretch
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Location: Brisbane

Post by bendnstretch » Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:57 am

Good one :lol:
Trees and bikes are alike...
You can CHOP EM!!

Chainblock Dave
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Location: Palmer, Sth Aust

Post by Chainblock Dave » Sun Sep 12, 2010 11:42 pm

That Tazar story nearly had me embarrasing my self with laughter.

Bacca, for the sake of whatever is holy, submit it ti 'The Darwin Awards' please, and don't supply the author with either a handgun, or a box of taipans, actually do, I want to hear about what happens!!
Dave

dg6oo2
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Location: victoria-pilbara

Post by dg6oo2 » Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:52 am

Whats the difference between pink and purple?
The strength of your grip.
friends welcome family by appiontment only.

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Thu Dec 16, 2010 5:44 pm

Been working hard on me yard :lol:

Image

RickB56
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Location: Melbourne

Post by RickB56 » Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:05 pm

Two bulls were standing in their paddock. They had a long standing agreement between them in which they had divided the cows and so all was peaceful. One day the farmer drove a huge truck into the paddock and the bulls could see another bull through the racks.
The first bull turns to the second and say, "well he is not having any of my cows". The second bull says, "well he is not having any of my cows either.
The farmer opens the gate of the truck and out comes a massive bull with horns six foot wide. The ground shook as the bull stepped out of the truck.
The first bull turns to the second and says, "Let's go make sure he knows he is not getting any of our cows". The second bull turns to the first and says, " you know what, I'd really just like to make sure he knows, I'm a bull".

fluffer
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Post by fluffer » Mon Jan 03, 2011 6:34 am

An Irish fellah arrives in Australia and applies for a job as a farrier. The interviewer says: "so tell me Mick, have you ever shoe'd a horse before?". Mick replies: " no ah have'nt, but ah once told a donkey to feck off"
"better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

fluffer
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Post by fluffer » Wed Jan 05, 2011 7:21 am

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
"better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

Prof
Founder, Choppers Australia
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Post by Prof » Wed Jan 05, 2011 8:50 am

Absolutley Bootiful!
Chopit'nrideit... Prof

wolfsbane
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Post by wolfsbane » Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:08 pm

Image

poor kid
"Fear not death, for the hour of your doom is set and none may escape it."
Wassa - Goldy

Image

Bacca

Post by Bacca » Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:43 pm

wolfsbane wrote:Image

poor kid
Crackdown on dem noisy HD thingos

ShovelShane
Posts: 339
Joined: Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:14 pm
Location: Smithfield South Australia

Post by ShovelShane » Wed Apr 27, 2011 8:14 am

Bacca wrote:
wolfsbane wrote:Image

poor kid
Crackdown on dem noisy HD thingos
the new state of Rannistan in action
See no Evo, Hear no Evo, Ride no Evo

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